A Year Ago

I originally give Millie and Brooke's adoption story here.  Today I'm more journaling my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and realizations over the last year.  My thoughts jump around a lot, so bear with it.

I remember one day seeing a blog post in an adoption Facebook group from a mom who adopted newborn twins.  I'm not typically a jealous person, but I remember having a covetous moment thinking "how in the world did she get so lucky?  I would give anything to have healthy newborn twins!"  Little did I know that just a few months after this I would be in a similar situation.

One year ago I was a total mess.  We were in Arizona waiting for Millie and Brooke to be born any day now.  Other adoption opportunities had come and gone, but this was the farthest we had ever gotten.  My anxiety and emotions were definitely getting the better of me.

We met Tuesday the 22nd with our future birth family at Cafe Rio after A's doctor's appointment.  The amniocentesis came back that the girl's had developed lungs, and a C-section was scheduled for the next day. I don't think I slept at all that night. 

Now this next part I actually feel extreme guilt over.  Typically one support person is allowed to accompany a mother into a c-section.  A added to the selflessness of already placing her children with us by allowing me to be that one person. The babies were born fairly quickly (a whole 17 seconds apart), and per A's request were immediately taken from the room.  I followed the babies out.  Fast forward nine months later as I'm laying in my own c-section.  I realized how hard this all was, and I wasn't even placing my child for adoption.  I dang well left A all alone in surgery!  If I could do it again, I would have someone who could have stayed with A the whole time.  I could have waited a few minutes to meet my babies.  I left her high and dry!  So, I'm sorry A.  Please forgive my selfishness.

That the babies were so healthy was nothing short of a miracle.  After being part of several twin mom groups for the past year, I've seen the complications that can come from twin births: preterm labor, twin to twin transfusion, several moms have even lost their twins in freak health conditions.  Due to life circumstances, A didn't receive prenatal care until about 32-33 weeks.  The girls were born just a few weeks after that.  Besides blood sugar issues from gestational diabetes, there were no complications.  No low birth weight, no jaundice, nothing.  The Lord was looking out for these girls in a big way.

Those initial moments in the hospital were so surreal.  I couldn't believe my dream of two years was actually happening, and in the most ideal way I could have imagined.  Honestly it was a dichotomy of emotions.  Here I was overjoyed for my own blessings, but seeing A's difficulties in placing her babies completely broke my heart.  Not to even mention that she had gone through major surgery that ended up not going as planned and had to have several transfusions and such.  Such a physical and emotional toll, and knowing I was partly the cause of it was very difficult.

Newborn twins is no joke.  I thought I was prepared for twins, seeing as I was a teenager when my younger twin siblings were born and how my first two children were a year apart.  Boy was I wrong.  Two babies at one time is a whole new dimension that I was not prepared for.  Sometimes I would feel such guilt over wanting to sleep so badly knowing how much I had prayed and yearned for these babies. 

We have a fairly open adoption worked out. I post pictures a few times a week to our birth family Facebook page and often give updates on the girls.  We have gone to visit a couple of times.  I love that if there are ever any questions that Millie and Brooke have, I can direct them to their birth mother to ask.  People will often ask me how A is doing, and truthfully I don't know.  Our relationship is primarily superficial and only involves Millie and Brooke.  I do wish it was stronger in that regard, and now that my energies are not so spent on newborns and pregnancy, I would like to strengthen that relationship.

People now will ask "How did you do it.  How did you manage to adopt two beautiful, healthy babies?".  To this day I have no answer for that.  For all intents and purposes, we weren't an extremely desirable couple.  We had two small children already--both a boy and a girl.  We lived no where near the birth parents.  But I feel like the Lord had a hand in the whole endeavor.  

For some reason whenever I go out in public with my children, people always say "So you're done, right?"  Thank you for making that decision for me.  Here's the deal. As far as pregnancies go, we are definitely done.  This last pregnancy broke me down in every way possible: physically, emotionally, mentally.  And while it wasn't as deadly as predicted (doctors said I would be lucky if I made it to viability, and we made it all the way to 37 weeks), it was definitely one of the most difficult things I have had to endure and I did, indeed, end up with pre-eclampsia a third time.  Those nine months were awful and I am never putting myself through that again.  The only redeeming factor is that we did end up with a healthy baby at the end, which is much more than many can say.

However, this was our conversation about a week after Ruth was born.

Joseph: So this is probably a really bad time since you're hurting and emotional and haven't slept in months, but I feel like we're going to adopt again.

Me (much to his surprise):  Yeah, I know.  I've felt it too.

Now what this means, I do not know.  I don't know if we'll pursue international adoption in ten years, or be foster parents when our children are teenagers, or heaven forbid something happen to a family member of mine and we take custody of their children.  However the means and circumstance, our family isn't quite finished.  But we're not adding to it any time soon (meaning not within the next decade as far as I can see).

Now while I haven't slept in a year, I am forever grateful for the miracles that are our children.  I could never have seen a year ago where I would be today: with three beautiful little girls added to our family.  Millie and Brooke are such happy souls that daily bring joy to our lives and I feel continually honored to be called their mother.