A Year Ago

I originally give Millie and Brooke's adoption story here.  Today I'm more journaling my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and realizations over the last year.  My thoughts jump around a lot, so bear with it.

I remember one day seeing a blog post in an adoption Facebook group from a mom who adopted newborn twins.  I'm not typically a jealous person, but I remember having a covetous moment thinking "how in the world did she get so lucky?  I would give anything to have healthy newborn twins!"  Little did I know that just a few months after this I would be in a similar situation.

One year ago I was a total mess.  We were in Arizona waiting for Millie and Brooke to be born any day now.  Other adoption opportunities had come and gone, but this was the farthest we had ever gotten.  My anxiety and emotions were definitely getting the better of me.

We met Tuesday the 22nd with our future birth family at Cafe Rio after A's doctor's appointment.  The amniocentesis came back that the girl's had developed lungs, and a C-section was scheduled for the next day. I don't think I slept at all that night. 

Now this next part I actually feel extreme guilt over.  Typically one support person is allowed to accompany a mother into a c-section.  A added to the selflessness of already placing her children with us by allowing me to be that one person. The babies were born fairly quickly (a whole 17 seconds apart), and per A's request were immediately taken from the room.  I followed the babies out.  Fast forward nine months later as I'm laying in my own c-section.  I realized how hard this all was, and I wasn't even placing my child for adoption.  I dang well left A all alone in surgery!  If I could do it again, I would have someone who could have stayed with A the whole time.  I could have waited a few minutes to meet my babies.  I left her high and dry!  So, I'm sorry A.  Please forgive my selfishness.

That the babies were so healthy was nothing short of a miracle.  After being part of several twin mom groups for the past year, I've seen the complications that can come from twin births: preterm labor, twin to twin transfusion, several moms have even lost their twins in freak health conditions.  Due to life circumstances, A didn't receive prenatal care until about 32-33 weeks.  The girls were born just a few weeks after that.  Besides blood sugar issues from gestational diabetes, there were no complications.  No low birth weight, no jaundice, nothing.  The Lord was looking out for these girls in a big way.

Those initial moments in the hospital were so surreal.  I couldn't believe my dream of two years was actually happening, and in the most ideal way I could have imagined.  Honestly it was a dichotomy of emotions.  Here I was overjoyed for my own blessings, but seeing A's difficulties in placing her babies completely broke my heart.  Not to even mention that she had gone through major surgery that ended up not going as planned and had to have several transfusions and such.  Such a physical and emotional toll, and knowing I was partly the cause of it was very difficult.

Newborn twins is no joke.  I thought I was prepared for twins, seeing as I was a teenager when my younger twin siblings were born and how my first two children were a year apart.  Boy was I wrong.  Two babies at one time is a whole new dimension that I was not prepared for.  Sometimes I would feel such guilt over wanting to sleep so badly knowing how much I had prayed and yearned for these babies. 

We have a fairly open adoption worked out. I post pictures a few times a week to our birth family Facebook page and often give updates on the girls.  We have gone to visit a couple of times.  I love that if there are ever any questions that Millie and Brooke have, I can direct them to their birth mother to ask.  People will often ask me how A is doing, and truthfully I don't know.  Our relationship is primarily superficial and only involves Millie and Brooke.  I do wish it was stronger in that regard, and now that my energies are not so spent on newborns and pregnancy, I would like to strengthen that relationship.

People now will ask "How did you do it.  How did you manage to adopt two beautiful, healthy babies?".  To this day I have no answer for that.  For all intents and purposes, we weren't an extremely desirable couple.  We had two small children already--both a boy and a girl.  We lived no where near the birth parents.  But I feel like the Lord had a hand in the whole endeavor.  

For some reason whenever I go out in public with my children, people always say "So you're done, right?"  Thank you for making that decision for me.  Here's the deal. As far as pregnancies go, we are definitely done.  This last pregnancy broke me down in every way possible: physically, emotionally, mentally.  And while it wasn't as deadly as predicted (doctors said I would be lucky if I made it to viability, and we made it all the way to 37 weeks), it was definitely one of the most difficult things I have had to endure and I did, indeed, end up with pre-eclampsia a third time.  Those nine months were awful and I am never putting myself through that again.  The only redeeming factor is that we did end up with a healthy baby at the end, which is much more than many can say.

However, this was our conversation about a week after Ruth was born.

Joseph: So this is probably a really bad time since you're hurting and emotional and haven't slept in months, but I feel like we're going to adopt again.

Me (much to his surprise):  Yeah, I know.  I've felt it too.

Now what this means, I do not know.  I don't know if we'll pursue international adoption in ten years, or be foster parents when our children are teenagers, or heaven forbid something happen to a family member of mine and we take custody of their children.  However the means and circumstance, our family isn't quite finished.  But we're not adding to it any time soon (meaning not within the next decade as far as I can see).

Now while I haven't slept in a year, I am forever grateful for the miracles that are our children.  I could never have seen a year ago where I would be today: with three beautiful little girls added to our family.  Millie and Brooke are such happy souls that daily bring joy to our lives and I feel continually honored to be called their mother.

Ruth Anna's Birth Story

There's so much I want to write about and remember, so I will start with the most recent.  

We welcomed our precious baby Ruth Anna Neary on July 1st at 8:14AM weighing in at 7lb 5.6oz at 37 weeks.

At 35 weeks I got a massive headache and was seeing spots; symptoms that, unfortunately, I was far too familiar with.  After a blood pressure check I was admitted to the hospital for pre-eclampsia.  Medicine and steroid shots were started right away as we waited for lab results to come back.

My 24 hour urine content was off the charts!  The most the hospital had ever seen, in fact. (9.2g if anyone was wondering)  But my liver and kidneys were still holding up strong, and my blood pressure was able to be stabilized.  I was sent home a few days later (at 36 weeks) on strict bed rest with daily check ups and a c-section scheduled at 37 weeks if I should make it that far.  

 One last baby bump pic the night before c-section

We arrived bright and early Friday morning, checking in with a blood pressure of 190/100 (yay!), so they got to delivery pretty quickly.  I'll be truthful and say I totally hate c-sections, especially c-sections with gross medicines, vomiting, and dumb reactions to narcotics.  The only thing getting me through was that beautiful baby at the end.

And boy was she worth it!

(This is Joseph's absolute favorite picture, haha)

Having five children has definitely been an adjustment, especially now that it's almost a month later and all the family is gone and Joseph's paternity leave used up.  Some days I'll feel like a supermom, and a lot others we just barely survive through the day.  In my defense, I felt this way with all my children, even when we only had one, and we always figure it out.  The first two months are always the hardest :)

I wouldn't change how it worked out for anything, though.  All five of our babies are miracles in one way or another, and I thank God every day that I get the privilege to be their mother!

Millie and Brooke's Adoption Story

The last few weeks have been a life-changing, incredible whirlwind.  Frankly, we're still in shock that it actually all happened.

Introducing:
Millie Allison and Brooke Brianne Neary
Born Wednesday, September 23rd at 5:04 PM (both were out within the same minute)
Millie weighed 6lbs 8oz, and Brooke weight 6lbs, 12oz
Both were 18in. long.

On Wednesday, September 2, My Aunt Ally called and told me that her best friend's sister (you got that?) was pregnant with boy/girl twins and was considering placing them for adoption.  We got the call that they wanted to meet with us, and we flew down to Arizona that night!

The first meeting with the birth parents, A and R, went really, really well.  I fell in love with A instantly!  She's a beautiful woman with a selfless heart.  We talked for a few hours about ourselves, about adoption, about our families, and a whole slew of topics.  Afterwards they let us know that they had chosen our family to adopt their twins!  I don't think I've ever been more excited (or nervous).  Because A found us on her own and not through an agency, we decided to pursue a private adoption (only meaning we have our own attorneys instead of going through an agency).

Our attorney, social worker, and NICU nurse

The next three weeks were filled with playdates with A and her adorable son, E, lunch dates with the family and attending doctor's appointments and ultrasounds.  At the first ultrasound our boy/girl twins turned into twin girls.  Talk about a shock!

 

On Tuesday, A let me know that she was scheduled for a C-section the next day.  She was only allowed one person in the operating room with her, and I was honored that she let me (Melissa) go in with her!  After having experienced two C-sections myself, it was so strange to be on the other side.  Anyone who knows me knows I hate needles, so I was an awful support system through all the blood draws, IV, and anesthesia.  I'm glad A was patient with me!



At 5:04, both girls were born within about 30 seconds of each other.  It was an incredible experience!


Brooke



Millie

  Though their lungs had been shown as mature through an amniocentesis, they both struggled with respiratory issues and were put into the NICU.  Millie soon overcame her struggles, but Brooke continued to need extra care for the next little bit

.  The hospital kept them both in the NICU for us so the girls could still be together.



Millie / Brooke

We were able to take the babies home fairly quickly!  We are incredibly grateful and in awe of the blessings that have become part of our family.




Common Questions:

Did you get to name the babies?
Legally, we do, but we talked about it extensively (their names changed about 5 times) with A and we finally decided on Millie and Brooke.





Are they identical?

A didn't have an ultrasound soon enough to see if the babies were identical or fraternal.  They did have different placentas, so there is only a 30% chance they are identical.  For now we're thinking they are fraternal

since they each have some distinct facial features, though despite the differences we have still mixed them up a few times.

 

Millie                                                       Brooke

When can you go home?

It will take an additional 7-10 days to receive permission to cross state borders, but then we will be home free to WY!

Is this an open adoption?

This is a VERY open adoption.  We inherited a slew of cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents with the adoption of these beauties.  We are looking forward to a life of open communication, lots of visits, pictures, videos, gifts, and love from every angle.  These girls are blessed beyond measure!

Birth Grandma (Grammy) with Brooke

We've officially given up on family pictures for the next few years :)

Estes Park Getaway

A couple of months ago my Dad called me (Melissa) up asking if he and my step-mom could come up for the kid's fall break in October and watch our kids for the weekend so we could have a few days away.  Uh...yeah!  So we scheduled leave along with a couple of our friends, rented a cabin in Estes Park, Colorado, and we were off!

Of course we had to visit Rocky Mountain National Park.  First of all, military members get in for free.  Second, we love the outdoors!  

There were elk everywhere.

We ended up hiking the Cub Lake trail, and it was gorgeous!

The beginning of our hike:

The really cool split rock that Joseph had a little too much fun climbing:

The men:

This was probably the highlight of our whole trip.  We come around a bend in the path to a giant bull moose!  It was literally on our trail.  We ended up taking the very long off-the-beaten path around it in order to avoid scaring it, but we were almost close enough to pet it!  It was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for us.  This Arizona girl who's never seen an elk up close, let alone a moose, really enjoyed it.

Cub lake was quite beautiful.  You can see the fire damage from a few years ago:

Our buddy, Micah..."in the wild"  His wife, Denise, was feeling pretty sick (yay pregnancy), so she didn't come along on the hike.

The rest of the time we ate good food, played lots of games, went shopping, and just had fun together.  But of course we didn't get any pictures of it!  Just believe us when we say it was great!  I can't wait until next year!  Who want to babysit our kids next?

Hidden Falls at Curt Gowdy Park

It's beginning to get chilly here in Cheyenne, so we decided to have one last outside summer adventure.  After borrowing some hiking packs from some very gracious friends, we packed a picnic, and headed out!  We had heard that the hidden falls trail that follows crow creek was one of the best in the park.  It was not a lie!  That trail is beautiful, and we highly recommend it to anyone in the area.

Looking so cheerful at the beginning of the hike.  Our legs didn't feel like jelly yet.

The view from where we parked.

Someone had told us it was a mile each way.  It turns out the hike was just over two miles each way.  That's a big difference when you're carrying 30 lbs. haha

The falls were beautiful.

Enjoying our picnic.

The kids were exhausted by the end of the hike (as were we).  I was impressed that Lydia could sleep sitting up!

I think we will make this a labor day tradition!

Word for 2014 Check-Up: DELIBERATE

I have really been meaning to write this post for months now.  Originally my intent was to report how my goals and such were doing each month, but somehow time slipped away.  Better late than never!  (Warning, this post turned out a lot longer than I was expecting)

Joseph and I had seen many friends of ours choose personal or family "words" for the year.  Something that exemplified their intent and goals for the coming year.  While deliberating about which word should be our family motto for the year, I heard a John Bytheway talk in which he says something like this (I'm paraphrasing) "Weeds grow in your garden by simply doing nothing.  Flowers only grow if you plant them."  There were lots of flowers we wanted to plant and develop in our family, but we had to be extremely deliberate about it.  It takes work to get better health, it takes work to come closer to God, it takes work to raise a family.  Hence our word of the year: Deliberate meaning done consciously and intentionally.  

If you couldn't tell by now, we are an extremely goal-driven family.  I'm sure we take it too seriously, but it's the way that Joseph and I both tick.  We don't get anything done without a lot of planning and goal-setting.  When we set our weekly goals, we typically choose one from each category: spiritual, physical, and academic.  I (Melissa) can only report for myself since I'm the one writing this post.  I'll have Joseph report sometime if he's interested.

To set my goals, I actually started at the end.  What did I envision myself as at the end of the year?   When I was an events coordinator at BYU, that is how each planning meeting began.  What is our intent with this event?  What numbers do we want? What do we want to come from this?   I decided to do the same with myself.  Where did I want to be health wise?  Spiritually?  What did I want to teach my kids this year?  It was actually extremely easy to set goals after that.  Here's my end result, here's where I don't measure up yet, here's where I need to set my goals.  Probably the most difficult part was that it is easy to see all the different things I have yet to improve on.  Luckily Joseph helped me narrow down my aspirations to my three most important.  For health I wanted to go a year without refined sugar, and reach my goal weight.  For Spirituality I wanted to grow closer to God by praying morning and night, and reading thirty minutes of scriptures each day (habits I used to have, but have sadly gotten lax the last few years).  My academic goals primarily ranged around my children.  I wanted to make sure that I was teaching and loving them all that I could.  It's difficult to put those aspirations into measureable goals, so I chose to do some simple ones: family prayers, family home evening once a week, family scripture study, and reading them a certain number of books each day.

After my goals were set, I had to eliminate all the barriers currently set up that inhibited my goals.  My two biggest obstacles to exercising were kids and the weather, so we rearranged our finances so that I could get a membership at a gym with added day care.  What  a relief it has been to drop the kids off for an hour so i can exercise!  It's nice to get the break with the added endorphins, especially when Joseph is on alert for the Air Force.

The hardest one really is spiritually.  I was fantastic at waking up to my alarm, saying my morning prayers, then reading scriptures before I went off to class.  Then my alarm turned into a crying baby at 5am, and crying babies don't have snooze buttons.  It was difficult to find a time to myself to have scripture study.  I resolved to plan a specific time each day to make this happen, even if it meant that some cleaning or laundry or Joseph time went by the wayside.  

Now let's start with the things I did well, ok?  I think it's important to focus on successes first, haha.  I've done awesome at the health goals.  I did end up reaching my goal weight, and I am on track for a year without refined sugar (9 months in!).  I do exercise 4-5 times each week, and I feel better than ever!  This last time I went to the doctor's for a check-up, I was able to check "excellent" next to my health.  I've never done that before!

Now onto the not-so-well's.  I'm still struggling with planning and finding time for my personal devotional, especially in regards to scripture study.  It's a lot easier to find time for prayers than scripture study.  Sometimes I get to the end of the day, and realize I hadn't read at all that day.  By that time there's no way I can stay up another half hour, so I read for five or ten minutes, then fall asleep.  I'm trying to get more creative in how I get my spiritual outlet: listening to devotionals while I exercise, or conference talks while driving, or scriptures while showering.  It's definitely not the most effective or best way to study, but it's the best I've been able to do right now.  How do you mommies of little ones make time?  I'd love some insight into other's routines.

Same with family scripture study.  Prayers and book reading haven't been too much of a problem, but it turns out a very active toddler and an infant don't want to sit for more than sixty seconds.  Sometimes our devotional includes nothing but our testimony of some gospel truth, and I've decided if that's the best that's going to happen that day, I'm just going to have to accept that.  I've been trying to find ways throughout the day to teach gospel principles as things come up, rather than at a set time as a family.  This way we get family study, but in thirty second increments throughout the day, haha.

The word "Deliberate" took a very personal turn this year when we found out we were unable to have any more children. All of the sudden building a family wasn't going to be so easy.  Most couples don't have to think or prepare too hard to bring children into this world, and I really liked it that way.  Sitting there in front of the adoption application trying to begin it was one of the most difficult steps to take.  It was all or nothing, it or out, deliberate or not.  We've chosen to give it all we've got, which has taken an emotional and financial toll on our family, but I feel like we have been sustained by the Lord to make this all possible.  Somehow he has blessed us with capacities beyond our normal, with the ability to save and live with less so we can afford the adoption, ability to learn talents we did not have before (website designing anyone?), and I'm still currently working on the patience aspect of everything.  Waiting is so hard, especially when I have no control over it.

Overall I'm really excited about the "deliberate" mindset we've developed in our family, and hope it will be one we can carry on after this year.

Pictures at Lion's Park

While Melissa's mom was here, we stopped off a Lion's park and took a few fun pictures.  Lydia would not smile for anything, so there are no family pictures, but Hyrum was sure a cutie!