A Year Ago

I originally give Millie and Brooke's adoption story here.  Today I'm more journaling my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and realizations over the last year.  My thoughts jump around a lot, so bear with it.

I remember one day seeing a blog post in an adoption Facebook group from a mom who adopted newborn twins.  I'm not typically a jealous person, but I remember having a covetous moment thinking "how in the world did she get so lucky?  I would give anything to have healthy newborn twins!"  Little did I know that just a few months after this I would be in a similar situation.

One year ago I was a total mess.  We were in Arizona waiting for Millie and Brooke to be born any day now.  Other adoption opportunities had come and gone, but this was the farthest we had ever gotten.  My anxiety and emotions were definitely getting the better of me.

We met Tuesday the 22nd with our future birth family at Cafe Rio after A's doctor's appointment.  The amniocentesis came back that the girl's had developed lungs, and a C-section was scheduled for the next day. I don't think I slept at all that night. 

Now this next part I actually feel extreme guilt over.  Typically one support person is allowed to accompany a mother into a c-section.  A added to the selflessness of already placing her children with us by allowing me to be that one person. The babies were born fairly quickly (a whole 17 seconds apart), and per A's request were immediately taken from the room.  I followed the babies out.  Fast forward nine months later as I'm laying in my own c-section.  I realized how hard this all was, and I wasn't even placing my child for adoption.  I dang well left A all alone in surgery!  If I could do it again, I would have someone who could have stayed with A the whole time.  I could have waited a few minutes to meet my babies.  I left her high and dry!  So, I'm sorry A.  Please forgive my selfishness.

That the babies were so healthy was nothing short of a miracle.  After being part of several twin mom groups for the past year, I've seen the complications that can come from twin births: preterm labor, twin to twin transfusion, several moms have even lost their twins in freak health conditions.  Due to life circumstances, A didn't receive prenatal care until about 32-33 weeks.  The girls were born just a few weeks after that.  Besides blood sugar issues from gestational diabetes, there were no complications.  No low birth weight, no jaundice, nothing.  The Lord was looking out for these girls in a big way.

Those initial moments in the hospital were so surreal.  I couldn't believe my dream of two years was actually happening, and in the most ideal way I could have imagined.  Honestly it was a dichotomy of emotions.  Here I was overjoyed for my own blessings, but seeing A's difficulties in placing her babies completely broke my heart.  Not to even mention that she had gone through major surgery that ended up not going as planned and had to have several transfusions and such.  Such a physical and emotional toll, and knowing I was partly the cause of it was very difficult.

Newborn twins is no joke.  I thought I was prepared for twins, seeing as I was a teenager when my younger twin siblings were born and how my first two children were a year apart.  Boy was I wrong.  Two babies at one time is a whole new dimension that I was not prepared for.  Sometimes I would feel such guilt over wanting to sleep so badly knowing how much I had prayed and yearned for these babies. 

We have a fairly open adoption worked out. I post pictures a few times a week to our birth family Facebook page and often give updates on the girls.  We have gone to visit a couple of times.  I love that if there are ever any questions that Millie and Brooke have, I can direct them to their birth mother to ask.  People will often ask me how A is doing, and truthfully I don't know.  Our relationship is primarily superficial and only involves Millie and Brooke.  I do wish it was stronger in that regard, and now that my energies are not so spent on newborns and pregnancy, I would like to strengthen that relationship.

People now will ask "How did you do it.  How did you manage to adopt two beautiful, healthy babies?".  To this day I have no answer for that.  For all intents and purposes, we weren't an extremely desirable couple.  We had two small children already--both a boy and a girl.  We lived no where near the birth parents.  But I feel like the Lord had a hand in the whole endeavor.  

For some reason whenever I go out in public with my children, people always say "So you're done, right?"  Thank you for making that decision for me.  Here's the deal. As far as pregnancies go, we are definitely done.  This last pregnancy broke me down in every way possible: physically, emotionally, mentally.  And while it wasn't as deadly as predicted (doctors said I would be lucky if I made it to viability, and we made it all the way to 37 weeks), it was definitely one of the most difficult things I have had to endure and I did, indeed, end up with pre-eclampsia a third time.  Those nine months were awful and I am never putting myself through that again.  The only redeeming factor is that we did end up with a healthy baby at the end, which is much more than many can say.

However, this was our conversation about a week after Ruth was born.

Joseph: So this is probably a really bad time since you're hurting and emotional and haven't slept in months, but I feel like we're going to adopt again.

Me (much to his surprise):  Yeah, I know.  I've felt it too.

Now what this means, I do not know.  I don't know if we'll pursue international adoption in ten years, or be foster parents when our children are teenagers, or heaven forbid something happen to a family member of mine and we take custody of their children.  However the means and circumstance, our family isn't quite finished.  But we're not adding to it any time soon (meaning not within the next decade as far as I can see).

Now while I haven't slept in a year, I am forever grateful for the miracles that are our children.  I could never have seen a year ago where I would be today: with three beautiful little girls added to our family.  Millie and Brooke are such happy souls that daily bring joy to our lives and I feel continually honored to be called their mother.

Millie and Brooke's Adoption Story

The last few weeks have been a life-changing, incredible whirlwind.  Frankly, we're still in shock that it actually all happened.

Introducing:
Millie Allison and Brooke Brianne Neary
Born Wednesday, September 23rd at 5:04 PM (both were out within the same minute)
Millie weighed 6lbs 8oz, and Brooke weight 6lbs, 12oz
Both were 18in. long.

On Wednesday, September 2, My Aunt Ally called and told me that her best friend's sister (you got that?) was pregnant with boy/girl twins and was considering placing them for adoption.  We got the call that they wanted to meet with us, and we flew down to Arizona that night!

The first meeting with the birth parents, A and R, went really, really well.  I fell in love with A instantly!  She's a beautiful woman with a selfless heart.  We talked for a few hours about ourselves, about adoption, about our families, and a whole slew of topics.  Afterwards they let us know that they had chosen our family to adopt their twins!  I don't think I've ever been more excited (or nervous).  Because A found us on her own and not through an agency, we decided to pursue a private adoption (only meaning we have our own attorneys instead of going through an agency).

Our attorney, social worker, and NICU nurse

The next three weeks were filled with playdates with A and her adorable son, E, lunch dates with the family and attending doctor's appointments and ultrasounds.  At the first ultrasound our boy/girl twins turned into twin girls.  Talk about a shock!

 

On Tuesday, A let me know that she was scheduled for a C-section the next day.  She was only allowed one person in the operating room with her, and I was honored that she let me (Melissa) go in with her!  After having experienced two C-sections myself, it was so strange to be on the other side.  Anyone who knows me knows I hate needles, so I was an awful support system through all the blood draws, IV, and anesthesia.  I'm glad A was patient with me!



At 5:04, both girls were born within about 30 seconds of each other.  It was an incredible experience!


Brooke



Millie

  Though their lungs had been shown as mature through an amniocentesis, they both struggled with respiratory issues and were put into the NICU.  Millie soon overcame her struggles, but Brooke continued to need extra care for the next little bit

.  The hospital kept them both in the NICU for us so the girls could still be together.



Millie / Brooke

We were able to take the babies home fairly quickly!  We are incredibly grateful and in awe of the blessings that have become part of our family.




Common Questions:

Did you get to name the babies?
Legally, we do, but we talked about it extensively (their names changed about 5 times) with A and we finally decided on Millie and Brooke.





Are they identical?

A didn't have an ultrasound soon enough to see if the babies were identical or fraternal.  They did have different placentas, so there is only a 30% chance they are identical.  For now we're thinking they are fraternal

since they each have some distinct facial features, though despite the differences we have still mixed them up a few times.

 

Millie                                                       Brooke

When can you go home?

It will take an additional 7-10 days to receive permission to cross state borders, but then we will be home free to WY!

Is this an open adoption?

This is a VERY open adoption.  We inherited a slew of cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents with the adoption of these beauties.  We are looking forward to a life of open communication, lots of visits, pictures, videos, gifts, and love from every angle.  These girls are blessed beyond measure!

Birth Grandma (Grammy) with Brooke

We've officially given up on family pictures for the next few years :)

Adoption Update

It's been a while since we've updated on the adoption front.  18 months ago when we began this journey, I had no idea what I was in for.  Sure I had been to adoption classes, read blogs, etc..., but this experience has been much more difficult than I had thought.  I was pretty vain and naive.  I thought "we're good parents, someone will choose us fast I bet!".  Hahahaha.

In the last year, we have had five different adoption situations.  Three of them, the parents chose to place with another couple instead of us, and the other two the parents decided to parent (keep the baby), instead of placing the child with us.  Each time this happened was a heart-wrenching experience.  Enough so that after the last one I told Joseph that we were done, I couldn't handle the emotional turmoil anymore.  Well after a few months to recover, we've decided to once again renew our homestudy and keep pushing forward.  We feel strongly that there is a child(ren) out there for our family, whether it be through domestic adoption (what we're doing now), international adoption (which we don't qualify for yet, but soon will in the next couple year), or foster-to-adopt (which we are technically qualified to do, and our homestudy covers it, we just want our  kids to be a little older before we pursue that route). 

I have sure learned a lot about patience and trusting in the Lord during this experience.  We're prepared in every way possible physically. We could get a call this morning and have a baby in ten minutes and we'd be good.  It's the emotional side that's hard to deal with.  So in the meantime please don't be offended if I skip your baby shower or decline to hang out because I simply don't have it in me to talking about your pregnancy or new baby right now.  It's not you, it's me. 

I want to thank all of our friends and family for their support!  We have felt your love and encouragement.  You all rock!

Our Adoption Home Study

We were understandably anxious to get our adoption application finished, so when Emily (our caseworker) called and said she wanted to come the next day, we were so excited!  Then we hung up the phone and started to panic.  We had heard many horror stories about caseworkers coming in with white gloves, checking the house outlet by outlet, making sure everything was perfect.  We weren't quite sure what to expect, so we spent that night organizing, cleaning, baby-proofing (despite already having two babies--we thought they would be a bit stricter than we were), and making sure all the safety features in our house worked.  (Special thanks to Denise for coming over last minute and watching the kids.  You rock!).

Emily came the next morning, and sat down on the couch.  She proceeded to then ask us a few dozen questions as follow ups to our application.  What we didn't realize is that the home study is actually more psychological than physical.  She asked us about our relationships with our family, with each other, with our children, parenting philosophies, religious and political beliefs, fears, coping mechanisms, etc..  It was actually quite in-depth, and definitely more personal than I was planning on getting that day, haha.  We then had individual interviews of about 1.5 hours each where they asked us more questions one on one.  My whole day was made when at the end of our home study Emily said "You know, I really might have you guys come to the agency and teach a class.  You're really good."  Yeah, our marriage rocks.  If you want to know why, just ask :)

The funny part was after all those interviews and questions, Emily literally walked around the house once, and then left.  She later told us that she puts very little emphasis on cleanliness and safety in the home when it comes to the adoption home study.  She can walk into a home and tell by the state it's in, and by the spirit of the home whether or not it is safe for a child.  We did all that organizing, and she didn't even care, haha.  At least it got me to unpack the last few boxes!

We also found out that our home study was much more complete than we had originally realized. We are now not only approved for infant adoption, but also for fostering children, and adopting foster children.  We've seriously considered adopting a sibling group out of foster care.  We'll see what comes of it.

In the meantime, thank you all for sharing our profile (nearyperfect.weebly.com)!  We've had 1000+ hits on our website.  It's been great!  Now comes the most difficult part for us--the waiting.

We have been approved to adopt!

After a long and somewhat exhausting process, we have been approved to adopt!  We cannot wait to welcome another beautiful child into our family!  Check out our adoption website, nearyperfect.weebly.com.  Thank you all!

Fully Invested

Well guys, we did it!  Our adoption paperwork has officially been submitted!  It's all turned in with money and everything.  There's no turning back now!  Our home study is in May, and we should be approved for adoption by June.  Then it will probably be 2-3 years before we are chosen by a birthmother.  That's why we're jumping on getting this process done quickly!  

It's incredible what sort of things were needed to be approved for adoption.  First was the full background check.  It turns out I've lived in 14 different addresses since I turned 18.  Crazy!  Joseph had even more once you counted in his mission to Tennessee.  Luckily he has a top security clearance for the Air Force, so he was already cleared.  Also, I thought my getting-poked-by-needles-in-order-to-have-children days were behind me, but I was wrong.  We had to have full medical checks which included several shots and blood draws.  

Probably the most nerve-wracking part were the 100 questions we had to answer about ourselves that are going to be psycho-analyzed as part of our home study.  They included questions about all our relationships, biggest fears, interests, all sort of parenting and adoption questions, and everything in between.  Every time I would answer a question I would think "oh man, what are they going to think about this"?  I guess my biggest fear is I will find out I'm secretly a nut job who is unfit to parent.  It is unnerving to tell a complete stranger all your deepest thoughts.

Now we are almost to the hardest part of the adoption process: waiting.  If you run into anyone considering adoption, point them our way!

Getting Fingerprints for the FBI (Hence the red fingers)

So excited to have it done!

Can't you feel Hyrum's excitement?

And where was Lydia during all of this?  Most of the time, we worked on the application while she was napping.  That's her sleeping by her bedroom door with her favorite "Mr. Broccoli".  Sometimes she just does not want to stay in her toddler bed.

Adoption in Wyoming is Different

            So we are on our way with the adoption process.  Adoption with LDS Family Services here in Wyoming is different though.  It turns out they don’t actually approve adoption in Wyoming since there wasn’t enough of a demand to warrant the licensing. (Only five couples in the last seven years have adopted from Wyoming.)  So we actually have to go through a different Catholic agency here in Cheyenne to get approved. Once we are, LDSFS will put our profile up on the LDSFS website, and we’ll also be on the Catholic agency website here in Cheyenne.  The good news is that we’ll have more exposure to potential birth parents since we’ll be on two websites, but unfortunately our adoption just got a whole lot more expensive.  Sigh But we felt again that this is what we are supposed to do, so we’re jus trying to save money in any way we can.  (It’s a good thing we bought our cruise and plane tickets for our vacation next month a long time ago.  It will be our last for a while, haha).  It’s also good because the Catholic agency doesn’t have an age limit on the children, so we are able to be approved as soon as we finish the paper work!  We don’t have to wait until Hyrum is one.  It’s a bit stressful, but exciting.  We are putting all our trust in the Lord!

            I want to get in the habit of updating more since potential birthparents will be hopefully checking out our blog.  I feel like I’m dating again.  We want our family to appear real, but show our best selves.  We want people to really get to know us so they can tell if we are a good fit or not.  It’s kind of a pressure situation being judged on our appearance, parenting skills, values, etc…  Someone out there has to like us!  If anyone has any suggestions for the blog, I’d love to hear it!  I’m planning on redoing the layout, etc… in the near future, but for now I will just keep posting about our family, even the mundane things.  Sometimes the littlest events are the most important. 

 In the meantime enjoy some pictures from my phone.

I heard Lydia crying in the other room when she was supposed to be taking a nap.  I go in to check on her and she had gotten her leg stuck in the bed.  Of course I take a picture before I save her!

Our chunky monkey turns 6 months this week!

They are big enough to both sit in the cart.  Stop growing so fast!

Infertility and Adoption

     Sometimes the Lord must really think you need to grow, or that you're not depending on him enough, or that a life-changing challenge would be really good right now.  These past few weeks have been such a time.  After having several follow ups after the last pregnancy and all the medical issues, it turns out we are unable to have any more children.  (If you want all the medical mumbo jumbo, feel free to ask me about it.  It's kind of a long story.)  For a lot of people after two kids that would be no big deal.  For me, however, it seems that the Lord specialized this trial.  I could have handled a lot of other things much better, but that wouldn't help me grow, now would it?  It's been an emotional time, full of ups and downs.  It's true that I already have two beautiful, wonderful children and that at least I wasn't trying for years before finding out we couldn't have any more children.  But that doesn't means it's not still painful and hard.  Hopefully soon I'll stop feeling sorry for myself when I see a pregnant woman or when I see a newborn baby, haha.

    In good news, though, after lots of prayer and fasting and soul searching, we have decided our family is not complete, and are now pursuing adoption through LDS Family Services.  We are really excited about it, and feel like this will be a great step for our family.  It is very, very overwhelming (so much paperwork!), not to mention emotional, but we feel like it is where we need to be going.  We won't actually be eligible to adopt for several months, but in the meantime feel free to spread the word on our behalf.  We're working on an adoption blog now, which will hopefully be up and running soon.  We want another beautiful child to join our family!